Sheepfold Ministries - One Liners Humor

Comments Never Heard At Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

TOP REASONS FOR JOINING THE CHURCH CHOIR
10. You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
9. The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
8. You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.
7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
6. There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
5. For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
4. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.
3. The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
2. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!!
1. You enjoy listening to people sing off pitch, because you’ve got a “tin ear,” too!

I0. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400 to 500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you’ve been singing with us for a few weeks.
5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, if s soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.
2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Bengals or Colts.
And the number I reason men should join the choir:
1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."

COWBOY CHURCHES
USA Today in its 3/10/03 edition had a large article on two Cowboy
Churches in Texas. They printed the Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas. It was too good not to pass along. Think if we all used these instead of the one with all the "shalt nots" in it, we could probably understand and live up to them a lot better!
(1) Just one God.
(2) Put nothin' before God.
(3) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
(4) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(5) No killin'.
(6) Don't take what ain't yers.
(7) No foolin' around with another fella's gal.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(10) Don't be hankerin' fer yer buddy's stuff.

Guess cowboys just kinda tell it like it is!
Y'all have a good Day, now

More Christian One-Liners

"The trouble with religion today is that a lot of people practice it, but not too many are good at it."
"Some people don't realize that the Ten Commandments aren't multiple choice!"
"I mix religion with science. I count my blessings on a computer!"
"My church welcomes all denominations. . .tens, twenties, fifties. . ."
"One thing about a church, you're never too bad to come in and you're never too good to stay out!"
"A liberal I know calls them the "Ten Suggestions. . ."
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Hymns for each Profession

The Dentist's Hymn:......................Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn:............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn:................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:........................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:.......................There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:..................Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:...............Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:..................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:.......................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:...................Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn:.....................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over
the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn:....He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:......................The Great Physician
For those who speed on the highway -- a few hymns:
45 mph....................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph....................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph...........Precious Memories

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life
And pass it on to other folk

Three Truths
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Halftime
The period between Sunday School and morning worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer
Those who do not sing, pray, work or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion
Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket
What happens to a lot of money that should be given to do the Lord’s work.

Two-Minute Warning
The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay
The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.

End Run
Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow
member.

Flex Defense
The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Options
The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

1. Make sure that potential visitors have to work hard to find out what time the worship service is. Do not put the time on your tape message, bulletin board, or newspaper ad. Or if you do, be sure it is incorrect!

2. Make sure directions to the church are non-existent, inaccurate, or incredibly complicated.

3. Make sure that there is no sign announcing the church or, if you insist on a sign, make sure it is minuscule, hidden, with outdated information.

4. Make sure that there are no parking spaces available close to the church.

5. Make sure that the entrance most likely to be used by visitors is permanently locked and there is no sign pointing visitors to another door.

6. Make sure that anyone who does make it through the front door is a) completely ignored, or b) surrounded and jumped on by all the regular members.

7. Make sure that visitors are not ushered to a seat, have to climb over five regulars in order to sit against a cold wall, or have to walk all the way to the front pew.

8. Announce loudly to a visitor that they are sitting in your place in the pew. Tell them you’ve always sat there, and you’ll have to leave if they don’t move immediately.

9. When you arrive at worship, check out what all the other women are wearing. Gather for yourself all the nibby information you can about those present or absent. Be sure to talk about people in a voice loud enough to disturb any new person who has come for the purpose of heart-felt worship.

10. Make sure that the first words heard by visitors hungry to worship and hear the word of the Lord are, instead, a congregational laundry list of the sundry activities of the week, thereby significantly distracting, if not frustrating, their spirits.

11 . Make sure that the worship bulletin is filled with code words (e.g., "Doxology"), surprise actions (stand up, sit down, greet your neighbor, dosie-do), and lists of funny labels (e.g., "offertory") with nothing spiritual to chew on.

12. Make sure that worship is painful to endure: the temperature is 10 degrees too hot or too cold; expect people to sit for long periods in hard pews; leave big gaps in the flow of the service; clearly give the impression that no thought has gone into preparing for the service of worship.

If you but do these twelve things, you can be sure your church, though having to endure an occasional visitor, will never see them twice!

CHRISTIAN ONE-LINERS

Don't let your worries get the

best of you; remember, Moses started

out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited

until you try to sit in their pews.

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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn't create anything

without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

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People are funny; they want the

front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation

bangs on your front door forever.

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Quit griping about your

church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

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If the church wants a

better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

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God Himself does not propose

to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

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Some minds are like concrete

thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile.

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I don't know why some people

change churches; what difference does

it make which one you stay home from?!

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A lot of church members who

are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

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We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone, but probably prefers

"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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He who angers you, controls you!

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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

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Prayer:

Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as

great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to

where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don't change the message, the message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person

is by what it takes to.........discourage him.

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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:

1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

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How To Handle Stress

1.   Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2.   Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
3.   Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4.   When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
5.   Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6.   Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
7.   Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
8.   Dance naked in front of your pets.
9.   Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if         nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for your tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman    numerals.
11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high       places.
13. Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat on it. Return it the next day.
15. Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
16. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17. Drive to work in reverse.
18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones        during that important finance meeting.
19. Sit naked on a shelled, hard-boiled egg.
20. Refresh yourself. Lick a cold frozen steel guardrail.
21. Tell your boss to blow it out of his mule and let him figure it out.
22. Polish your car with ear wax.
23. Read the dictionary upside down and look for hidden messages.
24. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
25. Bill your doctor for your time spent in his waiting room.
26. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
27. Write a short story, using alphabet soup.
28. Lie on your back eating celery. . .using your navel as a salt dipper.
29. Stare at people through the tines in a fork and pretend they're in jail.
30. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Someone told me to cheer up, things could be worse, so I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse!

You know you're in trouble when the light at the end of the tunnel is an on-coming train.

Programmer - A red - eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
6. I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

LUNCH
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

OTHER HELPFUL TIPS
*If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity
and the density of the caloric mass.
Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the
calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her
plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!

You know you’re getting old when …

you debate in your mind if it’s easier to carry the papers to the stapler or the stapler to the papers;

the dispute about dinner is to let the ice cream thaw a little to get it out of the box, or to nuke a hot dog & get the bun ready;

to unwrap the vacuum cleaner cord part way to do the bedroom, or undo the whole cord & sweep the entire apartment;

you can’t decide whether to let the wet paper towel to dry for re-use, or to throw it away;

you’re not sure if you’re going far enough in your car to lower the windows or start the air conditioner;

you let all the ladies go first, not because you are chivalrous, but because they are faster than you;

you wonder if it’s ultimately easier to throw something in the trash or to shoot it down the sink disposer;

you think, if you have your own teeth yet, “If I skip this cookie or sweet treat, maybe I won’t have to brush my teeth tonight.”

you use the cleanest dirty shirt (blouse) for several days, because you can’t find where you put the laundry detergent;

the ladies think you are a gentleman because you bow to them, when you are really just trying not to fall;

the gentlemen think the ladies are “putting on the moves”, when they are just uncomfortable in their underwear;

you use the good silverware because you can’t remember where you put the regular stuff after you cleaned it;

you’re too tired in the morning to take your memory-strengthening pills – then you forget to take them when you finally get going;

you let your wife order from the menu first, then say “I’ll have the same”, because you needed new glasses two years ago – and still need them;

you agree to a hospital stay, just because someone will be there to talk to, bring your real meals and change your bed;