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BULLIES AND BULLYING

 

TRAITS OF BULLIES

 

BULLIES. . .

 

  • ·        May enjoy being cruel to others

 

  • ·        Probably have poor self-esteem

 

  • ·        May use bullying as an anger management tool
  • ·        Dominate, blame and use others

 

  • ·        Have little regard for the rights, needs, or even the lives of others, particularly if they see these others as a threat.

 

  • ·        Have not learned empathy and compassion

 

  • ·        Was disciplined as a young child inconsistantly

 

  • ·        Have self-centered, neglectful parents

 

  • ·        Have patents that were unable to set limits for themselves or their children

 

  • ·        Have a lack of compassion, impulse control and social skills

 

  • ·        Exploit the needs and rights of others when they perceive them as having less power, status or influence, including women, children, and minorities.

 

  • ·        Are on the defensive and never admit mistakes. Blame others for causing their problems.

 

  • ·        Believe that "might makes right."

 

Courtesy of Sheepfold Ministries, Sharon, PA 16146

 

SEVERAL TYPES OF BULLIES

Author Susan Coloraso identifies several types of bullies

 

 

  • ·        The hyperactive bully who does not understand social clues and reacts inappropriately and often physically.

 

  • ·        The detached bully plans his attacks and is charming to everyone but his victims.

 

  • ·        The social bully has a poor sense of self and manipulates others through gossip and meanness.

 

  • ·        The bullied bully who gets relief from his own sense of helplessness by overpowering others.

 

  • ·        The serial bully who picks on one person after another, destroying them one at a time.

 

  • ·        Pair bullying in which the bully and a lesser, quieter associate work together to destroy others.

 

  • ·        Gang bullying involves a serial bully with colleagues. The serial bully/instigator may be an overt loud instigater or they may be a quiet, introverted person in the background instigating the mayhem.

 

  • ·        Cyber bullying is the misuse of email systems or internet forums to send incendiary, flaming emails.

 

 

Courtesy of Sheepfold Ministries, Sharon, PA 16146

Tips for Parents:

What to Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied

 

If your child is being bullied at school, this can be a very painful experience for your child and your family. We are doing all we can at school to put a stop to bullying. Here are some additional things you can do to support your child if he or she is being bullied:

 

• Never tell your child to ignore the bullying.

• Don't blame your child for the bullying. Don't assume your child did something to provoke the bullying.

• Allow your child to talk about his or her bullying experiences. Write down what is shared.

• Empathize with your child. Tell him or her that bullying is wrong, that it is not his or her fault, and that you are glad he or she had the courage to tell you about it.

• If you disagree with how your child handled the bullying situation, don't criticize him or her. It is often very difficult for children to know how best to respond.

• Do not encourage physical retaliation.

• Check your emotions. A parent's protective instincts stir strong emotions. Although it is difficult, step back and consider the next steps carefully.

• Contact a teacher, school counselor, or principal at your school immediately and share your concerns about the bullying that your child has experienced.

• Work closely with school personnel to help solve the problem.

• Encourage your child to develop interests and hobbies that will help build resiliency in difficult situations like bullying.

• Encourage your child to make contact with friendly students in his or her class, or help your child meet new friends outside of school.

• Teach your child safety strategies, such as how to seek help from an adult.

• Make sure your child has a safe and loving home environment.

• If you or your child need additional help, seek help from a school counselor and/or mental health professional.

 

This list has been adapted from a publication originally created for "Take a Stand. Lend a Hand. Stop Bullying Now!" a campaign of the Health Resources and Services Administration, the Maternal and Child Health Bureau, and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

www.StopBullyingNow.hrsa.gov

 

THESARUS:

noun

One who is habitually cruel to smaller or weaker people: browbeater, bulldozer, hector, intimidator. Archaic brave. See over/under.

verb

To domineer or drive into compliance by the use of as threats or force, for example: bludgeon, browbeat, bulldoze, bullyrag, cow, hector, intimidate, menace, threaten. Informal strong-arm. See over/under.

adjective

Exceptionally good of its kind: ace, banner, blue-ribbon, brag, capital, champion, excellent, fine, first-class, first-rate, prime, quality, splendid, superb, superior, terrific, tiptop, top. Informal A-one, dandy, great, swell, topflight, topnotch. Slang boss. Chiefly British tophole. See good/bad.

 

People who are bullied find that they are:

  • constantly criticized and subjected to destructive criticism (often euphemistically called constructive criticism, which is an oxymoron) - explanations and proof of achievement are ridiculed, overruled, dismissed or ignored
  • forever subject to nit-picking and trivial fault-finding (the triviality is the giveaway)
  • undermined, especially in front of others; false concerns are raised, or doubts are expressed over a person's performance or standard of work - however, the doubts lack substantive and quantifiable evidence, for they are only the bully's unreliable opinion and are for control, not performance enhancement
  • overruled, ignored, sidelined, marginalized, ostracized
  • isolated and excluded from what's happening (this makes people more vulnerable and easier to control and subjugate)
  • singled out and treated differently (for example everyone else can have long lunch breaks but if they are one minute late it's a disciplinary offence)
  • belittled, degraded, demeaned, ridiculed, patronised, subject to disparaging remarks
  • regularly the target of offensive language, personal remarks, or inappropriate bad language
  • the target of unwanted sexual behaviour
  • threatened, shouted at and humiliated, especially in front of others
  • taunted and teased where the intention is to embarrass and humiliate
  • set unrealistic goals and deadlines which are unachievable or which are changed without notice or reason or whenever they get near achieving them
  • denied information or knowledge necessary for undertaking work and achieving objectives
  • starved of resources, sometimes whilst others often receive more than they need
  • denied support by their manager and thus find themselves working in a management vacuum
  • either overloaded with work (this keeps people busy [with no time to tackle bullying] and makes it harder to achieve targets) or have all their work taken away (which is sometimes replaced with inappropriate menial jobs, eg photocopying, filing, making coffee)
  • have their responsibility increased but their authority removed
  • have their work plagiarised, stolen and copied - the bully then presents their target's work (eg to senior management) as their own
  • are given the silent treatment: the bully refuses to communicate and avoids eye contact (always an indicator of an abusive relationship); often instructions are received only via email, memos, or a succession of yellow stickies or post-it notes
  • subject to excessive monitoring, supervision, micro-management, recording, snooping etc
  • the subject of written complaints by other members of staff (most of whom have been coerced into fabricating allegations - the complaints are trivial, often bizarre ["He looked at me in a funny way"] and often bear striking similarity to each other, suggesting a common origin)
  • forced to work long hours, often without remuneration and under threat of dismissal
  • find requests for leave have unacceptable and unnecessary conditions attached, sometimes overturning previous approval. especially if the person has taken action to address bullying in the meantime
  • denied annual leave, sickness leave, or - especially - compassionate leave
  • when on leave, are harassed by calls at home or on holiday, often at unsocial hours
  • receive unpleasant or threatening calls or are harassed with intimidating memos, notes or emails with no verbal communication, immediately prior to weekends and holidays (eg 4pm Friday or Christmas Eve - often these are hand-delivered)
  • do not have a clear job description, or have one that is exceedingly long or vague; the bully often deliberately makes the person's role unclear
  • are invited to "informal" meetings which turn out to be disciplinary hearings
  • are denied representation at meetings, often under threat of further disciplinary action; sometimes the bully abuses their position of power to exclude any representative who is competent to deal with bullying
  • encouraged to feel guilty, and to believe they're always the one at fault
  • subjected to unwarranted and unjustified verbal or written warnings
  • facing unjustified disciplinary action on trivial or specious or false charges
  • facing dismissal on fabricated charges or flimsy excuses, often using a trivial incident from months or years previously
  • coerced into reluctant resignation, enforced redundancy, early or ill-health retirement
  • denial of the right to earn your livelihood including preventing you getting another job, usually with a bad or misleading reference

 

3) Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible

Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

  • popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
  • competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
  • intelligence and intellect
  • honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
  • you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
  • a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
  • you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
  • successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
  • a sense of humor, including displays of quick-wittedness
  • imaginative, creative, innovative
  • idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
  • ability to master new skills
  • ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
  • sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
  • slow to anger
  • helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
  • giving and selfless
  • difficulty saying no
  • diligent, industrious
  • tolerant
  • strong sense of honour
  • irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
  • an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (eg through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc)
  • low propensity to violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
  • a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
  • a desire to always think well of others
  • being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
  • being unwilling to lower standards
  • a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
  • high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
  • a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
  • low assertiveness
  • a need to feel valued
  • quick to apologise when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
  • perfectionism
  • higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
  • a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
  • high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
  • a tendency to internalize anger rather than express it

http://www.bullyoffline.org/workbully/bully.htm#Types%20of%20bullying

THESARUS:

noun

One who is habitually cruel to smaller or weaker people: browbeater, bulldozer, hector, intimidator. Archaic brave. See over/under.

verb

To domineer or drive into compliance by the use of as threats or force, for example: bludgeon, browbeat, bulldoze, bullyrag, cow, hector, intimidate, menace, threaten. Informal strong-arm. See over/under.

adjective

Exceptionally good of its kind: ace, banner, blue-ribbon, brag, capital, champion, excellent, fine, first-class, first-rate, prime, quality, splendid, superb, superior, terrific, tiptop, top. Informal A-one, dandy, great, swell, topflight, topnotch. Slang boss. Chiefly British tophole. See good/bad.